Crash and Burn – Alzheimer’s in the Family

It has been great being at my home. I took care of business, Tom’s estate, and seeing my dear friends who are helping me during this journey.

Mom started Zarelto on Wednesday. I questioned the doctor about this as mom constantly picks her skin. He said she had to take it to avoid a blood clot due to A-Fib. I’ve been reading The Art of Dying Well and I agree with the author. Why go to these lengths and a pacemaker if it will keep her heart beating regularly even after her mind dies? Seems counter to natural death to me.

At any rate, we’ve still been having good days (relatively speaking) and mom has been doing her word finds. She doesn’t communicate much, just retreats into her books. She is still reading the newspaper and magazines over and over as she doesn’t remember that she read them already. One thing I’ve learned is that she really doesn’t like Trump very much. We no longer watch any news of any kind. It’s too upsetting for her.

On Wednesday I signed paperwork for Tom’s estate. November 3 will be three years since I lost him. We are very close to the end of the estate business. I need it to be over so that I can move forward. After that Christine at Massage Envy gave me one of the best massages I’ve ever had. Much needed.

On Thursday I did chores and made special meals for mom. She is eating a little better but she is still losing weight. Almost 40 pounds since June 12th.

Ilona stayed with mom so that I could have some time away. She is so good with mom. I spent the evening with my dear friend, Ray. He has been so supportive of me in this journey, which I appreciate very much.

Friday was a busy day and I took mom to Sun City Cafe for dinner. Tracey Rae welcomed us with a big hug. Tracey Ray is one of my dearest friends at the beach. We had to take a rain check on our annual dual birthday celebrations. Hopefully that will happen on our next trip to the beach. I’ve missed her. Mom ate about a fourth of her chicken taco and she really enjoys going to Sun City.

Today started out with stripping mom’s bed. She bled all over the sheets, comforter and mattress cover. This was due to starting Zarelto on Wednesday. I questioned the doctor about putting her on this drug and they insisted it was to prevent her from having a stroke due to A-Fib. Well, she bled all over both sofas today and I had to work to get the bleeding stopped. The message at the doctor’s office said go to the ER. I made the executive decision to stop the Zarelto tonight.

I’ve been reading The Art of Dying Well which was recommended by my Alzheimer’s support group. Why give meds or opt for a pacemaker (as her doctor thinks is necessary) if the heart will beat regularly even after the brain dies. It makes no sense to me. There are things worse than a natural death. These are all decisions that have to be made.

Mom is on 10 medications. I ask over and over if we can take her off any of them. Her doctors say no. Next step is a pharmacologist to evaluate and remove and approve meds. At this stage of this game, why is she on any meds with their side affects. It doesn’t make “a tinkers damn” as mom would say. How is prolonging a terrible life better than choosing a natural death. I don’t think it is. Why torture someone trying to exit this existence. The body is trying to shut down but modern medicine try’s to save everyone, even those who will suffer terribly from prolonging their lives.

These are things that I ponder. I’m changing my paperwork for myself to avoid this for my children. No child should be put in this position when there are steps to take to avoid it.

I am also trying to get mom in an assisted living arrangement. I’m exhausted every day and can’t keep up this 24/7 schedule much longer. It’s affecting my health. With assisted living the major caregiving is done by others, giving me the opportunity to be her daughter, love her and not be stressed out all the time.

People shouldn’t judge any of my decisions. I love my mom and want the best for her, including keeping her safe. I also have to take into consideration my own health and well being. The stress of this situation is dangerous to my health. My own doctor has expressed his concerns about a 67 year old caregiver. Things to work through.

More later.